


Red

by HamletMouse



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Romance, True Love, War, idiot!Sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 11:25:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3172546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamletMouse/pseuds/HamletMouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On Sirius's Birthday,  a year after Lily and James' death, Remus is forced down memory lane and recalls the only true love he's ever known.</p>
<p>angsty with some fluffy flashbacks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics taken from Taylor Swift's Red. 16 is age of consent where I live so didn't put underage warning on but there are references to 16/17 year olds having sex if that bothers you. Enjoy!

_Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes_

_I tell myself it’s time now, got to let go_

_But moving on from him is impossible_

_When I still see it all in my head_

_In burning red_

It’s been over a year now since I last saw him, since I last heard from him. November 27th\- his birthday. It was late, nearing midnight and I was letting myself into my flat as quietly as possible so as to not wake up my landlady. She was already looking for a reason to get rid of me anyway. I always paid rent on time (just about) and kept myself to myself but I could tell she was suspicious. She was starting to add up that my various business trips and family emergencies all converged at the same time every month. I walked into the living room and noticed red decorations everywhere. Did I really want to live in a house with someone that decorated for Christmas in November anyway? Maybe I should take up my brother’s offer to stay with him in France for a while. I know he’s worried about me but there’s not much he can do to help. I don’t want sympathy, I want to disappear.

 

Today especially, I can hardly bear it. I’d managed to keep myself busy all day but on the way home, all I could think about was him, this birthday and the numerous times we celebrated it over the years and how it was all gone. I wish I’d known from the beginning what this would have turned out like, I would have run as far as I could in the opposite direction. But we were kids when I met, how could I have possibly known? He was so alive, even then I think I realised he was different.

 

**_Loving him is…_ **

_‘Hey you!’_

_I looked up to see wide grey eyes staring down at me. He flipped his long black hair out of his face and grinned doggishly at me. It was Sirius Black, one of the other Gryffindor first years. I had sat with them at the sorting feast but had otherwise tried to keep myself to myself; reading at lunchtime and break-time and sitting alone in lessons. I’d been too scared to. My parents were overprotective and nervous and I couldn’t help but feel it was overall easier to just not make friends. Sirius was not having it._

_‘H-Hi.’ I stuttered out blushing. He just kept smiling._

_‘You’re always by yourself.’ He stated. ‘Come hang out with me, James and Peter.’ I scanned his face for any sign of a prank but found none._

_‘Ok.’ I agreed and followed him. He continued to watch me and I turned to him blushing._

_‘You don’t say much do you?’ He asked. I felt my face burn just a little more and tried to stammer a response but he just laughed. ‘Don’t worry about it, I like it. I have loads to say. This way.’ And he grabbed my sleeve and pulled me over to his friends. I followed meekly._

 

 

**_… Like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street,_ **

**_Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly._ **

Even then he was enigmatic; even then I was under his spell. But he brought me into the friendship group and this was the first time in my life I didn’t feel alone. I had a true friend in him and all of them supported me more than I could ever imagine. Becoming animagus when they discovered who I really was is something I will never ever forget and was beyond anything I could have expected of them.

 

I made my way slowly to the kitchen. If my brain was well and truly forcing me down memory lane, I should at least have a drink. I poured myself a glass of red wine and went to sit in the dark living room; giving in to a night of brooding. Distraction seemed hopeless at this point.

 

Even from such a young age, he began to consume me. We were best friends, only rivalled by his friendship to James. But I was okay with that. James and Peter meant everything to me too, but they just didn’t have the same effect. And then at the start of sixth year, Sirius began avoiding me. I had no idea why and it was hurtful. James and Peter were nonplussed but assured me he was miserable with everyone. But it wasn’t long before the truth came out.

 

**_Loving him was…_ **

****

‘ _Well, what the hell were you thinking? You could have killed him!’ I yelled. Sirius sat before me staring up at me moodily. He said nothing. He’d been saying nothing for weeks now. I’d obviously done something to mortally offend him. Why else would he be so stupid to send Snape up to me in werewolf form? James saved him in the nick of time but the thoughtlessness of my old friend was beyond anything I truly thought him capable of._

_‘I suppose you wouldn’t have really cared, but you could have thought about me! How did you think I would manage knowing I was a murderer? That I had killed an innocent!’ I carried on willing him to react. He looked away and snorted though he vaguely looked a little bit more uncomfortable._

_‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’ I screamed hysterically pulling at my hair. He paid attention then. I rarely shouted and even more rarely swore. ‘I suppose that was the plan. I have no idea what I’ve done to you, or why you’ve suddenly stopped speaking to me. But this is unbelievable. Do you hate me that fucking much?’ He reacted then._

_‘Don’t you dare…’ he threatened still seated. I flung my hands up in the air._

_‘Don’t I dare what?’ I shouted exasperated. ‘I just want to know why you hate…’_

_‘Don’t you dare tell me I hate you, you have no fucking idea!’ and he was on his feet. He grabbed my wrists ‘you have no fucking idea…’ He stared deep into my eyes, hurt evident in his. I faltered. I was more confused than ever._

_‘Sirius, what…’ but I didn’t get to finish my question. In a matter of seconds he pushed me against the wall hard. I lost my breath. I tried to wriggle free but he held fast. His face was close to mine, our noses were touching._

_‘Fuck…’ he moaned and then smashed his mouth against mine. I froze, no longer trying to struggle. He moaned against my lips frustrated and pressed harder, pushing his body flush against mine. My eyes fluttered closed and I let him kiss me. Taking advantage of my new obedience he flicked his tongue across my lips and I let him in. Slowly, the confusion left my body and I relaxed. Without realising, Sirius let go of my wrists and his hands were in my hair and mine were down his back, holding him close. Suddenly this was all I wanted, all I needed, what my life had been building up to… and then he pulled away. He looked at me; his eyes wide; and he fled._

_The confusion came rushing back and I was left lost wondering what the hell had just happened_.

 

**…like trying to change your mind when you’re already flying through the freefall.**

**Like the colours in autumn, so bright just before they lose it all.**

And so led to a year of almost constant confusion. There were many more kisses like that one in sixth-year with very little explanation. And every time, I let it happen, let it go a little bit further. He didn’t ignore me any more in front of our friends but it certainly wasn’t easy between us. I was too scared to question it and I knew that Sirius was too scared to tell me what he felt. But I had never felt passion like it. I never knew it was possible to feel so much at once, and honestly, I was addicted. It was no wonder then that the kisses eventually turned into something sexual. He took my virginity and still we didn’t talk about it. We began sleeping together whenever James and Peter weren’t around, in the dormitory if we dared, but otherwise finding other secret places within the castle walls. It’s a wonder nobody found us out. But our friendship was still stronger for it and though we never spoke of what we did, we began getting more comfortable with our arrangement. Sirius often held my hand when dragging me off somewhere and we began talking and laughing as we dressed afterwards. Although the doubt and insecurity was always at the back of my mind and I lay awake at night, battling with myself over whether I should end whatever we’d got ourselves into. How could this possibly work out?

 

But every time, he sucked me in like a black hole. I was completely helpless, completely at his will. I never knew if I wanted it to end or not. Then one day, it was taken out of our hands.

 

**Touching him was like…**

_James and Peter were in detention. We had the dorm to ourselves and we used it to our advantage. After we were done, we were lax; we lay naked in his bed breathing heavily._

_‘Fuck me…’ Sirius groaned. I smirked at him and he rose to kiss me lightly. ‘No, fuck you…’ and he kissed me harder, moving on top of me, all ready for a second round. I laughed against his lips, but I was too anxious to give in._

_‘Pads, they might be back soon.’ I protested as he moved to kiss my neck. ‘We should stop.’ He raised his head and pouted at me._

_‘They won’t be back for ages.’ He sulked. ‘We hardly ever get to use a bed; I want to make the most of it.’ I opened my mouth to argue but he covered it with his. I laughed again but began to relax into him. It would be a shame to waste the opportunity…._

_‘See being Head Boy has perks sometimes, that sub was so confused that I got detention.’_

_‘Yeah, Prongs, thanks mate. Nice to be out of detention earl…what the fuck?’_

_We leapt up and quickly tried to cover our dignity, but the damage was done. James and Peter were standing at the entrance to the common room mouths agape. There was no way to disguise the fact that Sirius and I were naked in bed together. I flicked my eyes to his in panic, but he shook his head slowly at me stunned. There was no explaining this away. Peter backed slowly out of the room and this pushed James into action._

_‘Yeah, what the fuck?’ he shouted coming closer to the bed. He spotted our clothes left abandoned on the floor and picked them up. ‘Why the fuck did I not know you were gay?’ He threw some clothes at Sirius emphasising his point. ‘And why...’ More clothes thrown at me. ‘The fuck did I not know you were in a relationship?’ He threw the rest of the clothes at us, breathing loudly. Without meeting his gaze, we slowly began to dress ourselves._

_‘Well, firstly, we’re not. And secondly, we’re not.’ Sirius retorted evidently annoyed at the interruption. I threw a look at him but couldn’t be bothered to react to this statement. James caught the look._

_‘Remus?’ He questioned pointedly. ‘Is this true?’ I looked at James staring at me eyebrows raised, he clearly did not believe I felt the same. I looked to Sirius who was looking back at me stony-faced and unwelcoming. I sighed._

_‘Sure, why not?’ I replied sarcastically. Now fully dressed, I flung myself onto my own bed and closed my eyes._

_‘You’re just fucking for funsies then?’ James carried on his interrogation. Sirius remained silent. I wasn’t going to add fuel to the fire. Besides, I didn’t really have an answer. ‘Bullshit.’ James shouted. I jumped and sat up. Sirius evidently was also startled. James had never been angry at us before. ‘Nope, won’t accept it. I’ve put up with you guys making moon-eyes at each other for years, pun intended Moony, and now I discover you in bed together naked and you’re claiming you’re not in a bloody relationship? Bullshit’ He was visibly angry. I had no idea how to react. He eyed us both crossly. I was still sat on the bed, half upright and Sirius stood still shirtless by his bed obviously as stunned as me._

_‘James, chill out.’ Sirius answered. Neither I nor James found this an adequate response. His eyes flashed with annoyance._

_‘Sit.’ He demanded pointing Sirius to my bed. He glared for a second but slowly worked his way over. I hastily shuffled up to give him room to sit beside me. He flung himself down and stared at James defiantly. ‘Now let’s try this again. Are you guys gay?’ Sirius looked as if he was going to argue again but James shushed him. ‘Sirius, you are my best friend, do not lie to me. Remus, do not let him sway you. Now, are you gay?’ Sirius sighed and ran his hands through his hair dejectedly._

_‘Yes.’ James looked at me._

_‘I…I guess.’ I stuttered._

_‘Good, now are you in a relationship?’ We shared guilty glances and spoke together._

_‘No.’ James shook his head._

_‘Absolutely ridiculous. I refuse to believe you guys are just doing this to get your rocks off. Have you even discussed it with each other?’ He questioned exasperated. Another guilty glance._

_‘No…’ we both murmured. James rolled his eyes._

_‘Well, let’s work this out together then. Padfoot, how do you feel about Remmiekins? Do you fancy him? Like him as a friend? Hate him? Love him?’ He asked almost sarcastically. I felt for sure that Sirius wouldn’t answer but he did._

_‘I love him.’ My heart stopped. I turned to him and saw him staring into his lap. And I hit him._

_‘Hey!’ he cried out looking at me aghast. But I was mad._

_‘Why didn’t you just tell me that, you prat?’ I cried. ‘I love you too…’ I blushed as I said it but it was obviously true. How else would he evoke such strong emotion inside me?_

_‘Really?’ he questioned surprised._

_‘Yes!’ I laughed._

_‘Oh.’_

_‘Congratulations’ James broke in. ‘I now pronounce you boyfriend and boyfriend! So if you think you can sort your problems out by yourself now, I’m going to go check Peter’s not died of shock.’ And he turned and left the room._

_We looked at each other again and laughed._

 

**_… realising all you ever wanted was right there in front of you_ **

****

And that was it. I was lost forever in paradise. More than the passion I felt for him, I felt sweet, tender love; what I was soon to realise was true love. We were invincible, nothing could bring us down. I could still feel the amazement at having such an incredible boyfriend and how relieved I felt that we were no longer secret lovers. We were together in a relationship. He looked after me, held my hands in the halls, kissed my forehead when I studied too hard and held me tight until we fell asleep at night.

 

We grew up and moved out and life was pretty damned good. We had everything in front of us. I was so happy despite the fact that the entire world seemed inches away from destroying itself. One night we stopped to celebrate James and Lily’s wedding and I honestly think that was the happiest I have ever been and probably the happiest I would ever feel again.

 

**_Memorising him was …_ **

****

_Sirius swung me around enthusiastically. I wasn’t much one for dancing, but he always managed to make me join in. I laughed as he pulled me in for a sloppy kiss. He had obviously drunk way too much in his excitement._

_‘Have I ever told you how beautiful you are, Moony-face?’ Sirius slurred happily. I smiled even wider._

_‘Many a time. You’re pretty too.’ I grinned. He grinned back and spun me round violently. Too violently, I went flying, falling into someone._

_‘I’m so sorry.’ I mumbled ‘My friend is an idiot…’ I struggled to explain shuffling quickly off the stranger._

_‘I’m well accustomed to the idiot, I forgive you Moony.’ Came the reply. I looked up to find myself face to face with the groom._

_‘Oh James!’ I breathed out with relief. ‘Methinks Sirius has drunk too much.’_

_‘Seems likely.’ He smiled widely. ‘Lils and I will be off soon, we wanted to say goodbye to you guys first before the big fuss.’_

_‘Fair enough.’ We walked back to where Sirius was to find him tangled around a red-head in a long white gown._

_‘Prongs!’ He yelled excitedly ‘I found your wife!’ We laughed and heard a girlish giggle from the lady wedged in his bear hug._

_‘Yeah, do you want to maybe not strangle her?’ he laughed slowly untangling his wife and best friend ‘I’m sure that can’t be good for the baby.’ Three pairs of widened eyes turned to stare at him. He looked at us confusedly before the realisation hit. ‘Shit.’_

_‘What did you just say?’ I laughed out._

_‘Ah!’ Lily squeaked out glaring murderously at her new husband. ‘Um, we weren’t going to say anything yet, we only found out yesterday, But, um. I’m pregnant!’ she exclaimed. The uproar was instantaneous. There were tears and hugs and congratulations all over and we all ended up squashed together in a group bear hug laughing._

_We let them go and they had to run off for their honeymoon. When they went, Sirius and I just stared at each other in amazement._

_‘There’s going to be a baby!’ He exclaimed. I smiled._

_‘I know, I can’t believe it.’ I replied. We continued staring. I was thrilled to bits for them but it was so shocking, we were so young still._

_‘Remus.’ I glanced up to see Sirius staring intently at me._

_‘Sirius?’ I smirked. His face remained serious._

_‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.’ I was about to tell him off for being a sappy drunk but something stopped me. I studied him closely. There were tears forming in his eyes and he seemed suddenly sober. I took his hands in mine and planted a soft kiss on his lips._

_‘Me too’ I whispered as I pulled away. He grinned in response and whisked me onto the dancefloor._

**_…as easy as learning all the words to your old favourite song._ **

****

Nothing ever goes to plan. I was his entirely, he was mine. We started off so promisingly and our future seemed bright but life likes to kick you in the arse every now and then and I was soon to be brought completely to my knees. We lived the perfect life for nearly a whole year, cocooned in our own little bubble of love. It had seemed before that there was no way anything could break it. Not babies, not bills, not Voldemort. But all good things must come to an end.

 

The war raged on and we found ourselves emerged fully in the battle. We were away from each other on dangerous, lonely missions pretty much constantly. We hardly had any time to spare for each other and that time was to be filled with tactical discussions and sleep. We were aware there was a spy in our midst and there was suspicion and fear everywhere. All the while, Sirius grew ever distant with all of us, ever more sullen. I was called out to missions all of the time and hardly had a spare second to talk with him about it. Soon, as was inevitable, we found it hard to be around each other. Both of us were tired and exhausted with the fight outside, I never saw him and started to feel as though I barely knew him anymore. We began fighting inside our own home, if we even bothered to talk to each other at all. I felt as though I was being judged for something but I had no idea what. I also began thinking the unthinkable. There was a spy in our midst and I was living with someone who was becoming a complete stranger to me. I could never bring myself to fully form the thought, but it hung there at the back of my mind, clinging to me like a bad smell.

 

If only I listened to my instincts. If only I’d gone to Dumbledore with my worries; maybe the outcome would be different. But I was weak. I was so far under his spell; I couldn’t bear to act on it. I would rather live in the hell that was my home than risk losing him forever. Of course, had I known how it would play out maybe I’d have been stronger. Maybe I’d have gathered up my things and left him. Learned to hate him before he could stab me in the back. I didn’t. I hung on too long and I got burnt.

 

**_Fighting with him was…_ **

****

_We were arguing again. Going at each other like battleships. We were both home for once although I’d only returned a few hours previously. Instead of being welcomed into my boyfriend’s loving arms, I had received a grunt._

 

_I said something though I couldn’t quite recall what it was. And all of a sudden we were in a full-blown fight, yet again. We fought and fought about I don’t even know what and then the fight left me. I covered my face and sighed deeply._

_‘I hate this so much Sirius, how did we get like this?’ I whispered moving my arms down. He sneered at me and turned to leave. My heart fell hard. Really, how did we get to this point? How could he be so dismissive of us all the time? I groaned in frustration._

_‘Why do you hate me?’ I called out sounding more desperate than I would have liked but I needed to know. He stopped and turned an unreadable expression on his face. ‘Please, Pads, why do you hate me?’ He looked down and seemed to fighting with himself. ‘Please just fucking say something!’ He growled and moved suddenly to where I was. And before I knew it he’d grabbed my wrists and pushed me against the wall. And all of a sudden I was sixteen years old, scared and confused in the common room. I looked into his eyes, they looked sad but still unreadable and I realised I still had no idea what would happen next._

_‘Please…Please just say you don’t hate me.’ I begged._

_He let out a loud breath and put his forehead against mine._

_‘Remus…’ and I saw a tear slip down his face. I leant up to the slightly taller boy and pressed my lips against his unsuspecting mouth. In the end, I didn’t want him to say anything, I just wanted him. He didn’t respond at first and I thought I should withdraw but something seemed to click in him and he kissed me back harder, he began pressing his body into mine still holding me against the wall. He moved his hands down to my hair and gripped them there still kissing me frantically; Lips and tongues, warmth and lust. With my hands free, I moved them to pull him closer, arms around his neck, and his hands moved again down to my backside, pulling me in to him. A spasm of arousal ran through me and I found myself fumbling for the buttons on his shirt. I managed to get it off and pulling away from the kiss I took a second to admire his chest; so familiar to me and still so exciting. Sirius took the opportunity to move his mouth down to my neck and as he kissed me there, he undid my shirt, yanking it off me. And then we were chest to chest, mouth to mouth again. Heat pulsed through me and though I knew we should be fighting, should be sorting out our relationship. I just wanted to give in. As long as there was passion, surely we would be okay._

_I was forced out of my wonderings as Sirius lifted me up and took me to the bedroom. He flung me down on the bed and started working on my jeans and boxers. And then he removed his own. And he was above me and we were kissing as though this was the last night we would ever have together. And it hit me that maybe it was. I pulled away._

_‘Sirius…’ He looked down at me, his eyes were hazed over with lust but I could still detect the sadness beneath it. I smiled weakly and pulled him back down into my embrace. And we made love. I gave in to the desire flooding through me and revelled in the comforting warmth of the body moving above me and soon pleasure overtook every other thought in my brain and I let him consume me once again._

 

**_Like trying to solve a crossword and realising there’s no right answer._ **

 

And we broke up the next day. We couldn’t verbalise our feelings or why it wasn’t working. It was just clearly not. Passion did not make everything okay. We were so caught up in the war after that, that I don’t think I fully processed the heartbreak. We managed not to see each other and there were so many other atrocities going on in the world that a constant state of misery was more than normal. But that faded and as I sat here in this red living room I struggled to capture the apathy that overtook me for that last year. If I think of the heartbreak though, the passion, the despair of fighting with the one I loved; I recall it clearly. I start to shake thinking of what might have been and I tried with all my might to close my mind.

 

I had opened a door I didn’t want to go through and I didn’t want to remember what happened next. I tried to reach for my glass of wine but knocked it over instead. I gasp with the shock. Panic overcomes me and the memory I’ve been avoiding forces its way to the front of my mind. And I break all over again.

 

**_Regretting him was…._ **

****

_There was a knock at the door. I turned dimly towards it wondering who it could be at 2am. My body ached with the stress of the last few days. Since breaking up with Sirius, I’d had to find my own place. No one had actually bothered to visit me. I had no money and the bedsit I found was mouldy and draughty. But it was all I had even if the October cold had made its home in my bones and I felt like I would never feel warmth again._

_I reluctantly made my way over to the door and pulled it open. I dimly realised that maybe I should be more careful in times like these but if Voldemort himself had been standing on the other side, I don’t think I could have mustered the energy to care. Nonetheless, I had set my fate._

_But standing on my doorstep was none other than Dumbledore. His eyes seemed extraordinarily blue and extraordinarily sad. And I knew._

_‘No.’ I said. ‘No’_

_‘Remus’ he began sadly ‘Though I’m sure you might guess what brings me here, I have to tell you…’_

_‘No.’ I stated firmly, unable to believe. ‘You are not coming here to tell me that my best friends are dead.’ But my voice cracked on the last word and I fell forward. Dumbledore caught me and led me over to my sofa bed._

_‘I know how devastating this is, Remus but I need to ask you something very important.’ I blinked up at him not fully taking in his words. ‘Remus, Sirius ran as soon as he heard the news, we need to know where he is.’ I stared at him realisation hitting my stomach hard. I managed to shake my head a few times before I turned around and vomited._

_‘No, Dumbledore, he wouldn’t’ I gasped. ‘He couldn’t…’_

_‘Remus…’ But I was gone. I don’t remember any more of the conversation, though I somehow ended up in bed with a cup of tea. My friends were dead and the love of my life was the reason why._

**_…Like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong_ **

****

And in his actions, he took everything away from me. I am a broken man with nothing to my name. I thought that he was my saviour but all he did was slowly destroy every single little piece of me until I was a shell of a man. I’m alone in a dark room covered in red wine and broken glass and I am done.

 

It’s not just that he stole everything; it’s that he gave me everything. He taught me all I knew, or thought I knew about the goodness of humanity, of friends, of passion, of love.

 

So here’s to you, Sirius, Happy Birthday. I can see you alone in your cell and I wish I could say that I felt cold, sad, regretful, angry, hurt but no. I was burning up. You lit a flame in me long ago and after all you’ve done, after you’ve destroyed me; I still want you. I want to wake up in the morning and find you in bed beside me. I want to have you in my life every single day. I wish you never taught me how amazing love could be but you did. And as long as I know you’re out there, this flame won’t go out.

 

**_Losing him was blue like I’d never known_ **

**_Missing him was dark grey, all alone_ **

**_Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you’d never met_ **

**_But loving him was red._ **


End file.
